The Devil is in the Comparisons

We're human. It's part of our nature to compare ourselves to others, to see how we measure up. We like to know that we're not at the bottom of the stack, to put it bluntly, that there's someone out there doing worse than we are. It's a poisonous way of thinking, but we're all guilty of it, myself most of all. I made a concerted effort my whole life to excel just enough to succeed but not stand out. In ballet classes my biggest fears were two-fold: I feared that I would look like a fool when I couldn't do a combination correctly, and I feared that I would do so well that I would be asked to demonstrate for the class. I constantly measured myself by those around me rather than by internal goals I set for myself.

In motherhood, this habit of mine had the possibility of crippling my ability to school my children. As moms, don't we often measure our success by the success of our children? And aren't we guilty of judging others in the same way? I started out thinking that there was a "normal" child, and I wanted my kids to conform as closely to that "normal" as possible. It took me a long time, much too long, to realize that's not how it works. Each child is uniquely crafted by God to complete a task only that child can accomplish in all of human history. Sofia Cavaletti, founder of the Catechesis of the Good Shepherd, talks often about guiding the child to be fully himself, the unique individual that God created him to be. There is no place in parenting, or in education, to measure our children against other people's children.

A quote attributed to Albert Einstein has become my motto whenever I am tempted to draw comparisons: "Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." More than just intellectual capabilities, I believe this speaks to the genius in every person placed there by God. I wrote before about my son's unconventional learning style; he would probably test more like a fish than a monkey, but I know that he will be successful in what he puts his mind to. But what if God entrusts us with a child with severe disabilities who will never learn to read or function socially? I firmly believe that there is still a genius in that child, one that can't be measured by tests and interviews. God has a plan for each child, regardless of how they "measure up" to our expectations.

It is an ongoing battle for me to stop comparing, but the fruits of this new mindset have been incredible. I can see my children for their unique abilities and personalities rather than seeing them only in terms of expectations and ideals. Homeschooling has afforded me the luxury of avoiding reading groups and other labels, so my kids have no concept of what they "should" know at their age, only that they are learning more each day. And when they tell me that Max is better at drawing or Lucian is better at chess, I am quick to point out that in our home, we do not compare. God gave us our abilities, not our sibling's abilities, to do something very important and unrepeatable in the world. Our goal is to find out what that is. What an adventure!

Teaching Max to Read

I'm going to start this post with a caveat: My seven-year-old is not yet a fluent reader. If you're looking for advice on how to teach your child to read, you should probably look elsewhere. This post is about my journey through a lot of stress and worry toward a deeper understanding of my son as an individual, and child development in general.

I started homeschooling when Max was in preschool and I had only one other child.  We did all kinds of crafts and activities whenever Lucian was sleeping, and I felt like Supermom. My son was four and had listened to the Hobbit, knew the body systems, and loved books with a passion. We tried a little reading practice but he wasn't interested, so I set it aside. Thomas Jefferson Education, which has been the main education philosophy that I follow, stresses that academic subjects are not important until around age eight. Eight! I told this confidently to everyone I knew, but in my heart I was sure that my son would be reading well before age eight. I was a super early reader, and I always equated early reading with intelligence. Of course my kids would be just like me!

In Kindergarten we kept up the same basic routine, but I was starting to feel a little pressure to work harder on reading. I had another baby and less time to work with Max, plus his interest in reading was still zero. It was causing stress in our relationship, so I took the sage advice of my mentor Annie, who suggested that I set my reading goals aside for a month and learn about what he loves. His time to read will come, she said. So I did, and he learned about the periodic table of elements instead. When I wasn't watching he picked up on all of his letter sounds and learned to write his capital letters. Instead of rejoicing in his successes, I worried that he didn't know all of his lowercase letters. But I kept in mind what my friend Annie said and I waited.

Then the summer before first grade came. I was listening to many of my friends talk about what their children would be learning in preschool and kindergarten and I started freaking out. My son was six and he still had no interest in reading. Never mind that he knew all of his letter sounds and could sound out many simple words, I wanted my son to be reading like everyone else! I didn't want him to be behind, but I was also feeling the pressure to show everyone that I could do this. I wanted to prove homeschooling. I sat down that first day of first grade, determined to teach him to read... and it just about ruined our year. Out the window had gone everything I believed in about developmental readiness and inspiration. I wanted my kid to be "normal".

After a week of insanity, I came around and remembered why I decided to homeschool in the first place. I wanted my son to have an education that did not revolve around other people telling him what to do and when to do it. I wanted him to love learning. I went back to the drawing board and revised my plan for the year. We were going to do what we had been doing for the last two years, learning what we wanted to learn at the pace my kids wanted to learn it. I got more creative about introducing literacy and math concepts, and when I got blank stares or antsy squirms I stopped.

More than halfway through the year now, we have started to make some real progress. After trying four different reading programs, we ended up back at the first one we ever tried, three years ago. It was a train wreck at age four but now Max loves it, because now he's ready for it. I know that this story is not done being written yet. We will probably still have some setbacks before he is a confident reader, and I will likely have plenty more moments of worry and doubt. But I am beginning to trust that learning happens in its own time. My son's pace is not my pace, and that is ok.

Welcome!

Welcome, thanks for joining me! Let me introduce myself. My name is Taryn, and I am a Catholic wife and mother of four awesome kiddos. I made the decision to homeschool when my oldest was 3, so that means I already have four years of experience! Now, don't take that to mean that I know what I'm doing. More often than not, I feel at a total loss and wonder how I got into this craziness. But home education is an ongoing journey, and I am learning more every day.

There is one thing I have learned in these four years, and that is the reason I decided to start blogging about my family's education. I have discovered that there is an insane amount of pressure put on children to perform well and to fit into a particular mold. I was blessed with a firstborn who refused to let me put him into a mold, so I was forced to examine my views of education and childhood. In doing so I made some wonderful discoveries! I created this space to share the ideas and resources that have inspired me in my homeschooling journey, and to document for myself the successes and setbacks of our living education.

There are a few words that continually come back to me when I reflect on what I want my children's education to look like. If these words ring true to you, I hope you can take something helpful away from these pages.

Simple
I am not an organized person. I plan many of my lessons in the morning during breakfast. I don't think this is an ideal setup, but for now that's how we roll. Because of this, I am always on a search for ways to make our education as simple as possible. I look for simple crafts, activities, and experiments, often using what I can find around the house. And I strive to keep my mission simple: I want to instill in my children a love of learning so that they will desire to take charge of their education.

Inspiring
Like I said above, I want my children to own their education. The only way to do this is to help them learn to love learning. How do I do that? I listen to them and give them a lot of input on their education, even at ages 7 and 5. I also make it a point to get excited about things that I'd like them to learn. If I'm excited to learn about something, they are much more likely to show interest.

Individual
No two children are alike, and nowhere is that more true than my own home. I have a "mad scientist" firstborn son (I mean that as a compliment to him!) and a type-A second son who loves worksheets and math problems. They excel and struggle in very different areas, so it is impossible to teach them both the same way.

Worry-Free
I named my blog based on the scripture verses Luke 12:6-7: "Are not five sparrows sold for two small coins? Yet not one of them has escaped the notice of God. Even the hairs of your head have all been counted. Do not be afraid. You are worth more than many sparrows." I strive to give my kids an environment free of comparison and worry, because they are exactly who they are meant to be. God is watching out for each of them and if I place them in His hands, I have nothing to worry about!


If you are the parent of a homeschooling family, I hope my thoughts and ideas can inspire you. If you are unfamiliar with this type of education, I hope I can help dispel some myths about what a "homeschooling  family" looks like. I firmly believe that parents are the best people to make decisions about their kids, so whatever kind of education you have chosen for your family, I hope that you will trust yourself and follow the advice of Padre Pio: "Pray, hope and don't worry."