The Devil is in the Comparisons

We're human. It's part of our nature to compare ourselves to others, to see how we measure up. We like to know that we're not at the bottom of the stack, to put it bluntly, that there's someone out there doing worse than we are. It's a poisonous way of thinking, but we're all guilty of it, myself most of all. I made a concerted effort my whole life to excel just enough to succeed but not stand out. In ballet classes my biggest fears were two-fold: I feared that I would look like a fool when I couldn't do a combination correctly, and I feared that I would do so well that I would be asked to demonstrate for the class. I constantly measured myself by those around me rather than by internal goals I set for myself.

In motherhood, this habit of mine had the possibility of crippling my ability to school my children. As moms, don't we often measure our success by the success of our children? And aren't we guilty of judging others in the same way? I started out thinking that there was a "normal" child, and I wanted my kids to conform as closely to that "normal" as possible. It took me a long time, much too long, to realize that's not how it works. Each child is uniquely crafted by God to complete a task only that child can accomplish in all of human history. Sofia Cavaletti, founder of the Catechesis of the Good Shepherd, talks often about guiding the child to be fully himself, the unique individual that God created him to be. There is no place in parenting, or in education, to measure our children against other people's children.

A quote attributed to Albert Einstein has become my motto whenever I am tempted to draw comparisons: "Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." More than just intellectual capabilities, I believe this speaks to the genius in every person placed there by God. I wrote before about my son's unconventional learning style; he would probably test more like a fish than a monkey, but I know that he will be successful in what he puts his mind to. But what if God entrusts us with a child with severe disabilities who will never learn to read or function socially? I firmly believe that there is still a genius in that child, one that can't be measured by tests and interviews. God has a plan for each child, regardless of how they "measure up" to our expectations.

It is an ongoing battle for me to stop comparing, but the fruits of this new mindset have been incredible. I can see my children for their unique abilities and personalities rather than seeing them only in terms of expectations and ideals. Homeschooling has afforded me the luxury of avoiding reading groups and other labels, so my kids have no concept of what they "should" know at their age, only that they are learning more each day. And when they tell me that Max is better at drawing or Lucian is better at chess, I am quick to point out that in our home, we do not compare. God gave us our abilities, not our sibling's abilities, to do something very important and unrepeatable in the world. Our goal is to find out what that is. What an adventure!