Lots of Personality

Most people who know me know that I am fascinated with the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), that personality test we all took in high school. Back then it was just a fun way think about what job I was best suited for, but the more I learn, the more I realize how helpful it is in understanding human interactions.

To quickly explain, the MBTI has four categories, each with two preferences. By taking a test you can determine whether you tend toward being an Introvert or Extravert, Sensor or Perceiver, Thinker or Feeler, and Judger or Perceiver. The first (I or E) is how you prefer to process information and renew your energy, internally or externally. The second (S or P) is whether you are detail-oriented and in tune to the world around you, or more focused on big-picture concepts and abstract ideas. The third (T or F) is how you make decisions, based on reason and valuing justice, or based on emotion and valuing harmony. The fourth (J or P) is whether you prefer structure and schedule or flexibility and adaptability in your interactions with the world.

There are sixteen possible combinations, and each combination of four letters creates a personality "type" that tends to view the world in a particular way. Some people are put off by the idea that there are only sixteen personalities for all of the billions of people out there, but in my experience, it has opened my eyes to the fact that there are fifteen ways of seeing the world that are completely different than mine, and within those are endless variations of individual preferences. It helped me to realize that people who think and act differently than me are not automatically wrong, they are just looking at the world in a slightly different way.

 

Case in point: my eldest son. My husband and I are alike in all but one of our preferences (Thinker vs Feeler, I'll let you guess who's who), but Max has only one letter in common with me! I am an INFJ, he is an ENTP, an Extraverted-iNtuitive-Thinker-Perceiver. In a nutshell, he wants to know ALL THE THINGS. His little brain is constantly learning and scheming and putting ideas out into the world, certain that he can improve upon everything that has ever been done. His bookworm mother who loves worksheets and alone time has a tough job keeping up with his constant quest for knowledge.

I have spent the last few years figuring out how to teach to Max's preferences, using hands-on projects, lots of space for creativity and open-ended exploration. Then his little brother got in on the game and I realized I have to completely re-evaluate. Lucian, I am fairly certain, is an ISTJ. He wants things black and white, and he wants to do what he is supposed to. He will sit for an hour filling out his workbooks, he loves games with rules, he follows instructions extremely well, but he gets very stressed out if there isn't clearly a right answer.

 

How in the world to school such different thinkers in the same home? It's an ongoing puzzle for me. Some days we do great, and they are both totally engaged. Some days one or the other is bored (or anxious) to tears. I hope that as they grow, they will keep each other in check and help each other to be more balanced. At the very least, they are set up well to get along with their college roommates someday, no matter how little they have in common! But I do know this: Whatever their differences, they are becoming the very best of friends. That is something they will always share.

But What About Socialization?

Ahh, socialization. It seems to be the most common qualm people have with homeschooling, but I wonder how often we stop and think about what socialization actually means. The Psychology Dictionary defines socialization as "The process by which we learn social skills," which are described as " the skills that allow a person to interact and to act appropriately in given social contexts." So in a nutshell, the biggest concern many parents have with homeschooling is that homeschooled children will not learn to act appropriately within their social context.

My mama bear instinct always kicks in when this concern comes up. I know it is not the intent, but it sounds an awful lot as if people are afraid my kids will be weird. Everyone wants their kid to fit in, and I'm no exception. But I'm trying to combat this reaction in myself as I think about this whole problem. Maybe the question is bigger than whether my kids will act just like your kids. Maybe the question we should ask is, do they need to?

By definition, social norms are not absolute. They  change based on location, peer group, time in history. What is socially acceptable here and now would have been unthinkable a century, even a few decades ago. Imagine the scandal if Audrey Hepburn had shown up in the dress Jennifer Lopez chose for this year's Academy Awards. (I won't link to it, just trust me.) Depending on the circumstances, being "socialized" in a particular culture could be extremely detrimental. I have heard it said that the young Nazis in Germany were very well-socialized... but they were socialized into an evil, destructive mindset.

Even if today's "normal" is transient, parents have every right to hope that their kids fit in. Like I said before, I don't want people to think my kids are weird. But when I really stop to think about it, I wonder if being weird is actually a problem at all. Think about how weird Einstein was! He never wore socks and couldn't pass his classes, but his contributions to math and science changed the course of history. What if his parents' greatest concern was that their child fit in? Would there have been space for his genius to shine through? History's groundbreakers and geniuses have consistently come up short on "social skills".

And that makes me wonder... is the question of socialization more about children or about parents? If my kids have no concept that their idiosyncrasies are frowned upon in the school system, why should they bother me? My son likes to make a lot of funny noises when he plays with his toys. If there is no one who tells him that's unusual, why should it matter? I think we focus too much on wanting our kids to act the same, then when they grow up we suddenly start asking them to show their creativity and their uniqueness. I know that I was so concerned with acting in a socially acceptable way when I was young that the idea of standing out was very difficult when it came time to do so. Creativity is out-of-the-box thinking, so why should our kids be put in boxes to begin with?

There is another part of this issue. We may be concerned about the real shortcomings and insecurities we recognize in our kids, whether it be shyness, flightiness, or temper. I can almost assure you that those problems will be there whether they are schooled in a building or at home. We all have our gifts and we all have our struggles. I don't think that either choice in education is a magical fix for character flaws. To that end, I really don't care too much about "socialization", but I am deeply concerned about my children's formation. How well they fit into the current social construct doesn't keep me up nights. I care about how they fit into the eternal construct created by God. I want them to be formed in virtue and to know how to pray. I want them to be confident in the knowledge that they are loved by God no matter what external difficulties arise. For my family, we have chosen the home as the most ideal setting to impart this knowledge.